If you’ve arrived here looking for the old site, we’re in the process of archiving it onto WordPress.
Until this is finished, we’ve added a couple of old articles to keep you busy and these should see you through to 2012.
Happy reading.
Halloween hilarity
If you’re fed up with the usual Halloween consumerism, try something a little bit different. Pumpkins are the best form of self expression at this time of year. Try Extreme Pumpkins for inspiration! Also worth a try is Spirit of the Zombie Pumpkins
The retail giants are desperately trying to cash in on Halloween at the moment, offering a variety of ghoulish accessories to scare your toddler witless. The big supermarkets all seem to be offering cheap tat which probably only has a 50% chance of lasting through the evening.
Whilst it may seem like a reasonable idea to send older kids out for a couple of hours to beg for their sweet allocation for the week, you have to ask yourself whether you really want to encourage the under fives to acquire a collection of Haribos & Smarties that are likely to be consumed within the hour and lead to tantrums as they bounce off the ceiling.
If you do decide to introduce your small children to the concept by carving a pumpkin, take them to the nearest ‘pick your own’ farm. Granted, the farmers are on the bandwagon too, but it’s a cheaper bandwagon. Besides, if you are a regular here, you will know that we advocate taking chidren to farms, on account of it tiring them out if they have to pick their own food and at this time of year you are virtually guaranteed mud fights. You really don’t get this sort of entertainment at Tescos…
Our favourite idea though comes from across the pond where in New York, there is an annual Pumpkin Sling with competitors each building their own trebuchet to launch pumpkins from
Alternatively, if you want to put them off Halloween you could always opt for a Michael Jackson design, which comes with the added guarantee that any local parents will not allow their children to knock on your door.
Presents to buy for other people
Anyone who says “Christmas is for kids” has clearly never spent Christmas Day in a house with any of the following toys.
All of the following are guaranteed to annoy parents, so you can look at the list in one of two ways:
12 toys not to buy for your own children OR 12 toys to buy for children whose parents you wish to annoy or wind up.
1. A drum kit
A drum kit is too big to hide in the cupboard (all parents have a cupboard where they hide toys!) and anyone within a few hundred yards will have their nerves frayed within minutes. Proficient drummers are fine, toddlers without fine tuned motor skills or rhythm are not.
2. Glitter
Fact: glitter never disappears. Ever. No matter how many times you hoover, or wipe or wash, it comes with a lifetime guarantee to remain on clothes, in carpets or on floors. Sure, it’s good fun shaking it onto glue to make pretty pictures, but if you ever buy glitter for someone else’s kids, the first thing they will do is make you a picture with nothing but glitter on and post it to you, so that when you open the envelope it goes everywhere. And you would deserve it.
3. Face paints
Fine when you are at a kids fair. Definitely not for home use. Painting at home is best confined to an easel in the garden when the weather is nice. At a push, it should be done inside the house, at a table, with lots of covering on the floor and a bath running upstairs. Under no circumstances should you invite children to decorate themselves with anything wet or gloppy.
4. Anything with loud beepy noises that doesn’t have an on/off switch
Likely to be, but not limited to, any number of musical toys with lots of buttons and/or flashing lights. These start from a very young age, with musical balls full of nursery rhymes through to noisy cars for the older kids. As a rule of thumb, if you can’t switch it off, don’t buy it. It will only get confiscated on day one, when the parents have to endure ‘The Wheels On The Bus’ for the twentieth time.
5. Penny whistle / trumpet / recorder
Do not entertain the idea. Not even for a minute. There are no excuses. If you buy one of these for a child under five you deserve to be babysitting them for a weekend, when this is the only toy they are allowed to bring with them. The word evil springs to mind.
6. Wiggles / Barney DVD
It might seem like a good idea at the time and to be fair there are probably good intentions behind such a choice, but both Barney and The Wiggles attract obsessional behaviour. This is fine with some of the more acceptable kids TV programmes like Thomas, but if you have ever had to sit through Barney then you will appreciate that it is nothing short of total trash. Seriously. It has nothing going for it and the kids with the fake rubber grins who accompany him everywhere are to an extent more annoying than the giant dinosaur himself. The Wiggles aren’t much better, imagine four Timmy Mallets singing 32 songs in the space of 1 hour. We’re sure you get the picture.
7. Anything with a hammer and/or glockenspiel or xylophone
The only thing that is absolutely guaranteed not to be hit with the hammer or stick is the toy with which it came. If the kids are old enough to know what they’re doing then the television, furniture and smaller children are all fair game. If they are younger then anything within reaching distance is an acceptable target. The worst case scenario is the baby learning to walk, who toddles towards their parents with the hammer in one hand, only to stumble at the last minute and clout them on the head with it. Not unsurprisingly, this is very common.
8. Cymbals / tambourine
These are the mobile horror version of the drum kit, but despite their comparatively small size, they retain the ability to infuriate immediately. Likely to be one of the first presents to be hidden.
9. Any play set with 100+ pieces
By Boxing Day it will be 80 pieces, the next day 65 pieces, etc etc. Pieces will be irretrievably lost down the back of the radiator or under the sofa and a large number are likely to disappear up the hoover. The parents will find pieces in the washing machine or bed a week later and this will continue until eventually about 20 of the original pieces remain, none of which will ever be played with again, because the other 80 are missing.
10.Anything that says ‘adult supervision required’ on box
The whole point of buying a child a nice toy is so that the parents can put their feet up for 10 minutes and not have to entertain the little deviants. So there seems little point in buying something that requires active participation unless you are buying for some sort of ‘super parent’ who involves themself in every single activity of the childs day.
11. Anything that requires a screwdriver, 5 spare hours and two pairs of hands to assemble
Assembly will of course be required on Christmas Day, with the little person attempting to help. It will invariably end in tears, when Daddy has to admit to being defeated by 16 pieces of wood, 12 screws, 24 pieces of plastic, pegs, clips and a spring that doesn’t appear to fit anywhere. Much miniature wailing and whining will also ensue, culminating in the part assembled present being thrown back into the box, as a screw disappears under the sofa, thus rendering any future construction impossible.
12. A bag of Haribo sweets
Tantrum throwing, screaming, wailing and whining behaviour is all you are going to get if you let the kids eat Haribo. Yes, the sweets are nice and yes those fried eggs and shrimps are addictive, but the only behaviour you are going to encourage with these is climbing the walls and circumnavigating the room via the ceiling.