Frequently asked questions

Question:I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

Answer:With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Question: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

Answer: Childbirth.

Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again

Bottle Feeding:an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too

Defence: what you'd better have around the garden if you're going to let the children play outside

Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins

Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert

Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

2. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

Fecal Emergency Classification and Encoding System (FECES)

In the interests of accurate, concise emergency communications, the Fecal Emergency Classification and Encoding System (FECES) has been created.
Please be sure to use the correct FECES code when reporting fecal emergencies.

Class Six - Leakage detected or imminent
The duty parent must respond. The baby's nappy must be changed. The baby's clothes may also need to be changed

Just remember, you need to have a license to keep a dog, but anyone can have children. Sometimes it just seems wrong. The following are allegedly all replies that women have put on British Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with roller skates / blades, they can ignite
3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.

How do you decide who to marry?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (Alan, age 10)

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.(Kerstin, age 10)

Great Truths for Little People
1. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person
4. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato
5. Never trust a dog to watch your food